Kristen Benner ’24
Reflection
I used to find nothing more tormenting than being bored and not knowing what to do with my time. Since I was young, I was always involved in multiple sports and activities, soccer, softball, and dance. In high school I became part of the competition team at my dance studio, so when I was not playing other sports, I was at the studio six days a week keeping myself plenty busy. I also became involved in theatre and would go straight from rehearsals to dance. As I became more involved in theatre, I decided it would be best to stop dancing so I could focus all of my energy in one direction. This was not all I was involved in. I also played an active role in my church community and took challenging courses in school, meaning that in addition to long rehearsals that usually went until six o’clock (or ten o’clock when helping with crew), I then had to fit an abundance of homework into my schedule, leaving me little time for anything else.
While it could be tiring, I ultimately loved my crazy schedule. As I became older, I realized that part of why I liked it was because when I had nothing to do, my mind would wander to places I didn’t want it to go. I would envision embarrassing situations I’d previously been in, analyzing them over and over. I would think about my friends and how maybe they only tolerated me. I would think about my parents being disappointed in me, and I would ask myself if I was really making a difference in the world, or if we just live and die and fade away. Activities allowed me to escape this reality I lived in, offering comfort and purpose.
When I was exposed to Our Town for the first time, I had not yet made that realization. I was in sixth grade at the time, and I can remember being excited to see my sister perform in her high school production. She had talked about how special the piece was, and how great of a time she’d had in rehearsals, and she couldn’t wait for us to see it. She had also mentioned that the director chose to have the audience sitting on stage for the performances. When I walked into the auditorium, and when the play began it was a little uncomfortable being so close. Part of me felt as if I was intruding on the play, but I also felt as if I was a part of it.
When the play was over, I remember how I felt moved by Emily’s life in Grover’s Corner. The piece really made me think. I reflected on it but quickly fell back into the schedule of my everyday life. In my sophomore year of high school when my workload was beginning to increase quickly and when I was dancing and doing theatre and taking two AP courses, I decided to read Our Town for an assignment in my theatre class. I knew it was such an influential piece and I wanted to re-explore it as I had forgotten much of the story.
Once I began reading, what I’d watched many years earlier came flooding back. The simple set consisted of only two tables which represented the houses of two neighbors, the Gibbs family and the Webb family. The play follows the protagonist, Emily Webb, as she goes about her daily life in Grover’s Corner. With the Stage Manager acting as a narrator, the audience is brought in to see Emily and her neighbor George coming home from school and speaking to one another. The audience gets the sense that their relationship is more than platonic. The narrator then jumps to Emily’s wedding day, and back to the day when George and Emily admit their feelings for one another. While the first two acts showcase daily life as well as important events, Act III is a punch in the gut for the audience. We are in a graveyard; Emily has died in childbirth. I vividly remembered that feeling as I continue reading. Emily watches the scene and joins the dead. However, she misses her old life and demands to go back. She is taken to her twelfth birthday and has a sort of awakening. She realizes that even though this day was her everyday life, it shouldn’t be taken advantage of. She realizes how beautiful life is, including simple everyday activities. As she observes, she takes in the features of her parents and becomes frustrated that people do not see this while they are living. When she is brought back to the dead, she asks Mrs. Gibbs, “They don’t understand, do they?” To which Mrs. Gibbs responds, “No dear, they don’t understand.”
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By the time I was reintroduced to this piece I had some understanding that I was doing too much, and that it was not healthy to spread myself so thin. However, I also didn’t want to have free time because I knew what it meant for my mental health. I read the piece in the spring, so I was already thinking about next year. I knew I would be in a rigorous academic program, and I didn’t know if I should continue with both dance and theatre. I ultimately believe that Our Town had an unconscious effect on my choice. I knew that I was doing too much. I did not have time to reflect on my day-to-day life, just as Emily had forgotten to do. I could not remember my twelfth birthday, let alone the birthday that had just passed a few months before.
Besides influencing my decision to stop dancing, Our Town had a much more profound impact on my life as well. I realized that we so often get sucked into our lives that we forget to actually live. We take so much for granted and barely take time to reflect. We are so involved in our activities and schedules, that we are often rushing around, caught up. While I was still extremely busy my last two years of high school, and while I juggled with many negative thoughts and anxiety, I would be reminded of this play and I would try to think of the good things that happened in my day or recall a memory that would make me smile. Don’t get me wrong, I still get knocked around by an exhausting life and rarely take enough time to do this. Sometimes I could go months before realizing I have let the time pass by. So, when Emily asks, ““Do human beings ever realize life while they live it? - every, every minute?” The answer is no. We do not. We should, but we don’t. Will we ever? Or will I ever? I doubt it, but this play has brought an awareness that it is important to reflect and to live because we are not immortal, so we should make the best of life while we can live it.
Reading Our Town also compelled me to reflect on my relationships. By that point, I’d grown accustomed to putting my activities and work ahead of relationships. In the play, George decides not to continue schooling so that he and Emily can have a life together. Initially, I thought this to be a very foolish idea. What if something happened to Emily or things between them didn’t work out? Would he be stable, and able to live the rest of his life, or would he regret his decision? I simply did not have enough time for both, and I would rather be content with myself than rely on someone else. In addition, close relationships also seemed to worsen my anxiety, so avoiding them and giving myself purpose with a busy schedule was the best option.
While I never experienced a specific moment of clarity, I thought about these two themes of the play a lot. Both taking time to appreciate life, and the importance of relationships were things I often pushed myself away from. Creating a busy schedule for myself enabled me to escape negative thought spirals, as well as relationships. While I did make many friends, my busy schedule ensured that I couldn’t make solid commitment to relationships—and while I knew this by the end of my sophomore year, I still hadn’t really done much to change it. I knew that relationships should be important, but relying on people and having people rely on me wasn’t something I could handle at that moment. My insanely busy schedule offered an escape and purpose, and that was all I needed at the moment.
When the coronavirus first became a concern, I had a steep regression, and I was again brought back to Our Town. Thinking of everything that did not happen because of the pandemic—prom, a normal graduation, my final play at school, end of the year celebrations, my trip to Italy and France, spending the final months with my friends before we all went off to college—it was easy to lose sight of the world. Those were such important events I’d been waiting for, for so long, and they were just taken away. In addition, without school, the spring play or church services, my schedule was completely empty. There was no more escaping. However, after some time I was reminded of this piece, and I began to think of all of the memories I did get to make my senior year, as well as all of my other years. I realized that the memories I had were courtesy of the relationships I did have. I was both Emily and George in this situation, this was my time to reflect and realize everything I’d taken for granted. It brought me a new perspective, and while it is still very difficult, I realized that this was the break and the reset I needed. I would grow during this time, and not take life for granted. It would be a time to focus on building and growing relationships, even though I wouldn’t be able to physically see people. I must live the way Emily wishes she had, as well as the way George did, so that I do not regret anything before it is too late.