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Aliena Ali ’19

Purple ribbon against a green background. Credit: Emma Baynes ’20

Comparing Machado and Roupenian to Consider the Role of Self-Delusion in Traditional Romantic Relationships

 

Feminist tales “The Husband Stitch” by Carmen Machado and “Cat Person” by Kristen Roupenian grapple with issues of consent, gender roles, and the male ego. “The Husband Stitch” consists of a blend of horror stories and urban legends that lead to the grandest horror story of all. The narrator weaves together old folklore about wives, brides, mothers, and daughters to connect the reader to her own story. “Cat Person” tells the story of a young twenty-year-old’s short relationship with an older man. Both stories show women working to appease men in their romantic relationships at their own expense. Machado and Roupenian both focus on the women’s thought processes as they negotiate intimacy; in both stories, women idealize their partners and, in turn, repress their reality to fulfill their perceived obligations to misogynistic men.

Each of these women express a sense of unspoken obligation to the male ego. When the narrator in “The Husband Stitch” comes across another woman with a ribbon like her own knotted around her ankle during an art class, she is astounded. The ribbons on these women’s bodies represent thoughts and feelings a woman might keep protected, for the sake of her own autonomy. The ribbons serve, symbolically, as a way of protecting thoughts and feeling that they choose to keep self contained. She learns other women also have ribbons which vary in color and are tied in different places on their bodies. 

The narrator shares an intimate conversation with the woman over coffee, suggesting their friendship may flourish. This short-lived relationship is ruined, however, as the narrator becomes certain her husband senses her anxiety about the woman, and she comes to believe she has betrayed him, and so she believes she needs to tell him about it. She explains, “I do not want to tell my husband about her, but he can see some untapped desire” (Machado 23). The reader soon learns that the narrator never returns to the art class where they met, because she is avoiding the woman (Machado 22-23).

Interestingly, the narrator’s husband does not seem at all inquisitive about her new friendship. He seems more concerned with having sex as she explains her meeting, yet she believes, “He is so glad of this development that he begins to mutter a long and exhaustive fantasy as he removes his pants and enters me…I imagine that within its parameters she and I are together, or perhaps both of us are with him” (Machado 23). This describes a moment of disillusionment, or delusion, where the narrator decides that her husband is so overjoyed about her meeting that he cannot contain his sexual arousal. She even suggests that the three of them are now intertwined in a very intimate way; the narrator is attracted to the woman, and would like for them all to be connected. There is no clear indication that the husband is forcing his wife to share their exchange, but nonetheless she feels obligated, and convinces herself that he is entitled to every part of her. This moment subtly reflects her unwavering obligation to tend to the male ego.

Such awareness of the male ego is also clear in Margot’s interpretation of her romantic interest, Robert in “Cat Person.” When Margot comes to terms with the fact that she is no longer interested in Robert, she struggles to express this rejection to him. She feels obligated to provide a sufficient explanation as to why she is no longer interested in him, and her struggle to compose a sufficient explanation suggests that she feels the need to be careful not to hurt his ego. She deludes herself into believing she needs to appear polite, all the while actively feeding into a version of male entitlement. When her roommate suggests she simply tell Robert she is no longer interested in pursuing any sort of relation, Margot explains “I have to say more than that. We had sex” (24). Margot believes she owes him a long and drawn out explanation when, realistically, the extent of their relationship does not warrant such. Margot reveals that she is concerned with not coming across as a mean girl. Not only is she beholden to Robert’s ego, her sense of self is not strong enough for her to simply walk away from the situation.

Both female protagonists avoid their apparent discomfort by refashioning their perceptions in new terms, despite being fully aware of their pain. The narrator in “The Husband Stitch” takes this approach several times; she constantly reiterates her love for her husband to excuse his aggressive and entitled behavior. For instance, when she is giving birth to their son, she requests to have a natural birth. The doctor looks to her husband, winks and says that a C-section would be best for everyone (Machado 15). Although she details this unsettling moment quite clearly, she questions whether it happened, convincing herself that she has not witnessed this exchange. She intentionally does this because she does not want to acknowledge that her husband would disregard her wishes for a traditional birth. She especially does not want to consider that he would do so on account of his own sexual pleasure. However, she does have a moment towards the end of the story in which she acknowledges that she feels pain that stems from their relationship. She no longer fervently denies that she is pained when he fondles her ribbon. She explains, “He is not a bad man, and that, I realize suddenly, is the root of my hurt. He is not a bad man at all” (Machado 30). Yet, as she is considering allowing her husband to untie her ribbon. It is in this key moment that she realizes that she can no longer justify his need to dominate in every aspect of her life. Her reiteration of the fact that he is a good man and husband does not change the fact that she feels afraid when he touches her ribbon against her will. Those things he does for her as her husband suddenly do not mask the pain and fear of him touching her ribbon. Still, she does not completely delve into these feelings. She stops at ‘and yet,’ indicating that she does not wish to explore any sort of negative feelings towards her husband; she is deluding herself in this moment.

Margot finds herself in a similar situation of reassessing and fabricating reality when she and Robert are having sex for the first time. Sensory details make it clear that Margot does not want to have sex with Robert, for example when she sees “his belly thick and soft and covered with hair” (Roupenian 15) and that his penis is “only half visible beneath the hairy shelf of his belly” (Roupenian 18). She then envisions herself “naked and spread eagled with this fat old man’s finger inside of her, and her revulsion [turns] into self-disgust and humiliation that was a kind of perverse cousin to arousal” (Roupenian 18). Although Margot is disgusted by Robert’s body, she does not stop his advances. She ignores her intuition several times, in the hopes that Robert will prove that he is the person she has created in her mind. Margot tries to construct an image of Robert based on a fantastical impression of him, which is why her opinion of him throughout the story is never quite solidified. She struggles between her idealization of Robert and the reality of him. For instance, when she and Robert are having sex for the first time, she thinks back to moments between the two that seemed soft and intimate. She uses these idealizations of Robert to endure having sex with him. Margot describes “Wiggling out from under the weight of him and straddling him, as did closing her eyes and remembering him kissing her forehead at the 7-Eleven” (Roupenian 15) Since she cannot get pleasure from sex, she is bringing this intimate moment to the forefront of her mind while Robert is getting his pleasure from his body. She uses this moment to convince herself into believing, even if just for the moment, that their relationship is deeper and more meaningful than either of them lets on.

The narrator and Margot comply with their partner’s respective wishes because they have convinced themselves that these men deserve access to their bodies. In “The Husband Stitch,” the narrator allows her husband to undo her ribbon. The untying of the ribbon signifies loss—the narrator loses the last bit of herself that no one had access to. Untying it represents the ultimate loss of self. Prior to untying her ribbon, the narrator’s husband demonizes her because she wants to keep her ribbon private. The more the husband is rebuked, the more vehement he becomes. He explains, “A wife should have no secrets,” suggesting that because he has given her materialistic things, she should not be allowed to keep anything private (Machado 20). Regardless of how well she fulfills her role as a wife and mother, he continues to pester her about her ribbon. The ribbon is very clearly a metaphor for those things which women choose to keep private. The narrator tells her husband to do what he wants, as she has convinced herself his appropriation of the ribbon is the next proper course of action. The narrator does not know the effects of untying the ribbon. Still, she complies with her husband’s wishes.

Margot exhibits this same belief when she allows Robert to have sex with her. Despite changing her mind, she feels obligated, given the schedule of their evening together. It would be too difficult to shift course, she decides, requiring “an amount of tact and gentleness that she felt was impossible to summon” (Roupenian 15). She does not want to seem demanding. She says, “After everything she’d done to push this forward, it would make her seem spoiled and capricious, as if she’d ordered something at a restaurant and then, once the food arrived, had changed her mind and sent it back” (Roupenian 15). Margot takes responsibility for the night’s events, convincing herself that Robert is entitled to having sex with her. She is, ultimately, too concerned with his opinion of her to abruptly end their exchange. 

Machado and Roupenian highlight nuances in heterosexual relationships that are often overlooked. Women undoubtedly sacrifice themselves in relationships for men that may not even notice, because they instinctively expect women to fulfill their expectations. Roupenian’s and Machado’s female characters respond to the needs of their romantic partners—these men never verbalize their expectations, yet the women, familiar with these expectations regardless, meet them. Regardless of the narrator in “The Husband Stitch” seeing her husband’s misogynistic side, his entitlement, as well as his overall imperfection, she still accommodates his desires. Margot acknowledges her discomfort with Robert in several instances, but does not actively try to escape these situations. Both women feel a strong sense of obligation to these entitled men, and become willing to sacrifice their physical and emotional well-being. Their reality as women in normative romantic relationships calls for a level of self-delusion. While self-delusion is harmful, it is also a protective barrier. Recognizing and articulating their realities, in each story, would have shifted the alpha to beta dynamic the male protagonists rely upon. While changing the dynamic risks the romantic relationship entirely, recognizing disproportionate sacrifice would allow women to cultivate a healthier relationship with themselves.