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Why is Purchase Made of Bricks?

January 23, 2017

by Dan Rosensweet

I’m sure you’ve wondered about it. I’ve wondered about it, your best friend wondered about it, your roommate who sleeps really late has wondered about it, that kid who breathes really loudly in your experimental literature class has wondered about it… many, many people at Purchase College have wondered about it…

Why, oh why, is everything on this campus made of bricks? Well, I’ll tell you.

Purchase, as I’m sure you know, was built in the woods in the 60’s. Once prospective students started to hear how progressive and forward-thinking Purchase would be they became restless, urging architects to complete the process as quickly as possible. Therefore, architects built the original campus buildings out of straw. They figured it was a win-win! The buildings go up faster, and building everything out of straw meant fewer resources had to be used in the building process, thereby making the campus more eco-friendly. Purchase students love eco-friendly stuff.

Unfortunately, there was one major oversight: the Big Bad Wolf.

Yes… One foggy night in October a group of cool students were enjoying the newly released The Velvet Underground and Nico in their dorm of straw when they felt a strong gust coming in from under the door…and the walls… and everywhere. It was straw. The students also heard something that sounded distinctly like huffing and puffing coming from outside. All of a sudden the whole structure was blown in and huzzah! There he stood! The BIG BAD WOLF!!!

Well the students, of course, fled in terror! Fortunately there happened to be one sturdier building made of sticks not too far away: it was the stable for the horses used by the equestrian club, which could not be made of straw lest the horses eat it all. The students ran into the stable, but the Big Bad Wolf was still in tow. They sat for a moment trying to be quiet but realized that wolves had very strong senses and putting their hands over their mouths probably wouldn’t do much. Nonetheless they held out hope… Then came the huffing and puffing and huzzah! Now the stables were blown in!

The students all got on the horses as fast as they could which they knew how to ride because it was before the internet and people spent time outdoors doing things. They rode off of the campus to a nearby mansion; a mansion made of bricks. The students pounded on the door and after a few moments a man in a red velvet lounge robe came out and said “Hey, you’ve interrupted my stare at the fire while I drink scotch with a large round ice cube in it time!” And the students said “Please, let us in! We’re being chased by a wolf!” And he said “Aww alright!” Because it was a different time and that happened then.

The students ran to the window and looked outside to see the Big Bad Wolf standing beside a gorgeous fountain, getting ready to huff and puff. And then he did and huzzah! He didn’t blow the house in, of course, IT WAS MADE OF BRICKS!!! And the wolf kept huffing and puffing and he looked like a real idiot and the rich robe guy walked out and he yelled “Hey! Get out of here! I have friends in the CIA!” And the wolf ran off. And the students said “Do you really have friends in the CIA?” And the man said “Of course I do and you’re all trespassing so go away!”

The students got back to school and told the administration their tale and the administration said “That’s not groovy at all!” And they believed every word the students said because it was a simpler time and people still thought eating Spam wasn’t that bad and had a tall glass of milk with dinner but long story short they promised to make all the buildings from then-on out of bricks and that’s why there are so many bricks at Purchase College.