A summer afternoon in Puerto Rico used to feel like a dream, the soft heat from the sun and getting ready to watch your favorite shows at your house. This became like a routine for me. I have many memories from back home but this one stands out because I don’t have a lot of sweet memories of my dad. It is ironic, the game my dad chose to play then, because it symbolizes so deeply his presence in my life. There I was, eight years old lying on a queen sized bed. My dad would accompany me and we would be spending time together. Little did he know, this moment was very precious for me. The sunset light would beam through the window. It would glide through the warm humid air which reflected onto my small innocent hands against his massive ones. This has remained a memory with me. We used to play a game called Finding Nemo. This was my favorite movie as a young child. He would pretend that his hand was Nemo. In the game, Nemo would be my best friend. My dad would be making jokes pretending the fish would be talking. However, he would put his hand behind his back and tease me. This left me wondering and eager to know when his hand would reappear. Later in life, my dad was not a consistent father figure. He would be in and out at his own convenience. The game we used to play represents almost exactly how his role was in my life growing up.
Even at such a young age, I was aware of the negative things that my dad has done to my family. Being a young girl I absorbed this even though it wasn’t necessary. My dad would verbally and sometimes physically be abusive to my mom. I would see this and it would build up a lot of anger towards him. However, despite all of those bottled up feelings, every time he was briefly present again I ignored my anger because I was simply so happy to see him. He never treated me how he treated my mom. It was like making me forget all the bad things that had happened. This made me feel conflicted because my mom has always been present and cared for me deeply. Alcohol would be the root of what caused him to change his behavior. After years, waiting on him became easier and easier.
Being the youngest child and having a large age gap between my siblings definitely made me take on much more responsibilities. On my 13th birthday I was watching tv with my mom in her room. The cable bill was due for months so all we could watch was Cake Boss. We didn’t have anything else to do than watch tv and talk about what we would do if we had money. I could feel my mom’s guilt in my soul, but I knew it wasn’t her fault. We just had a troubled family and my mom and I were the only ones protecting each other’s back. I realized there was no one left and there’s only so much my mom can do at this point of her life so I always thought it was my responsibility to take us both on a journey where we can have hope again. We came here to the United States with a lot of hopes and wanting to do the best that we could so we can have a better life. It was a journey. I remember being in this place called PATH in the Bronx, from 7:00 a.m. until 12:00 a.m. and having to go stay somewhere else for the night until they gave us a new shelter; and doing it all over again the next day. We did that for four years. I have lived in the Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens and almost lived in Long Island. Our journey as a family has been a rollercoaster, but it has taught us a lot of things throughout the process and today I can say it has shaped the person I am today.
I recently had the chance to choose a Tarot card, the card that it came out to be was Page of Wands. The meaning of the card is eagerness, youth, and possibility. It portrays a lion headed person and he stands in front of a window of possibilities. He is dressed elegantly and carries a wand of bloom in his right hand that would be his walking stick that helps him throughout the Journey. This card connects to me because my life represents the three main meanings of the card. Eagerness for wanting to step up and try to help my mom do the things that she or my dad couldn’t do. Youth because our new life began at such a young age and I’m still young and trying to figure things out. Possibilities because the younger version of myself would dream of so many goals that she wanted to reach and look out the window and see all the possibilities and opportunities in my future.
I am the lion headed person, standing in front of all the possibilities and opportunities, about to take on a journey that’s going to give me growth and wellness.My experiences kindled my passion for wanting to help my family and inspire me to do my best to be able to have a future family and provide everything that I never had. I know my parents are beyond proud of what I came out to be. I can’t wait for more to come.
